Silly Love Routine

Sitting in my office, watching the beautiful view from the top floor. The sun was shining, and the clouds were white. The grass was green and the trees were stretching towards the heavens. The sky was blue, and the breeze blew gently. The day was perfect till noon, and then it started pouring in my heart. I had everything but again I had nothing. By midday the sun was gone, and the wind hurled at the trees. Locking the door and pulling the blinds down; I decided to close my eyes and think what happened and how did everything change so drastically.
I loved him and so did he. I remember spending nights together on the phone. The concept is crazy but when you can’t be with each other, and the only medium left is the phone to communicate. I would ask him to hold the phone and fall asleep so that I could listen to his heartbeat and breathing which would turn into snoring as he would peacefully drift into dreamland. Holding the phone and sleeping meant the world to me and I would wait hours for him to finish all his work and head to bed holding a phone.
I assumed he enjoyed sleeping on the phone with me. It was a kind of bonding between us, and multiple times he called it cute. However, I was childish to believe him for slowly the day creeped when he told me that he can’t sleep at night holding the phone. Confused, I kept quiet, wanting to hear more.
“ummm, I am worried if you are sleeping or not and I often wake up in the middle of the night trying to listen. Don’t get me wrong dear, but the sound of empty air on the phone bugs me” he said calmly as if this was a part time job. Then he asked me politely if we would not hold the phone and sleep, and without another word I agreed.
How could I not agree. I loved him and if holding the phone causes so many issues then what’s the use. A quick calculation ran through my mind, was he important or holding the phone. The answer was quite obvious, and hence without a second thought I agreed not to hold the phone and sleep.
Though I wanted to explain to him my reasoning for holding the phone. I wanted to tell him that; “The beauty of holding the phone was that I felt close to you through out the night. As if you were sleeping right beside me, holding me where I could hear your heartbeat. I always hold this one memory before I sleep. I wrap my thoughts around it as I being to relax my mind and begin to dream. You and me, one moment, when everything is as beautiful as it could ever be. I laid on you, you're my pillow, my ear to your heart, listening to the sweet rhythm as it sings a lullaby putting me to sleep. I wish in that instance before sleep overtakes me that there are endless real moments just like this yet to come...a reason finally for me to smile and sleep...”. But he would never understand.
The first day was extremely hard. I was use to waiting for him to call me and then head to bed. I had no choice but to take sleeping pills to fall asleep. The pills worked and the days kept passing by. These days we say bye as the night pulls into my roon and I alone crawl inside my comforter. Closing my eyes, I hope for the day that he will ask me to stay on the phone with him for the night, but again if wishes came true beggars would ride.
But today my heart cries. The bond that was built holding the phone no longer exists. Thoughts came to my mind of whether he misses me the way I do. Does he take pills to just fall asleep like me. Why did he hold the phone for months before saying something. Was it a game? Though I realized one thing, just as this cute phone holding and sleeping session died so will all the other things. Love slowly and steady moves away, and you can’t hold on to it…

*Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope,
*Sometimes we cry with nothing more than tears,
In the end thats all there is:
Love & it's duty AND Sorrow & it's truth...

*Taken from Shantaram